Dr. Phil

As I was playing skip-bo on the livingroom floor this afternoon in my grandparents' house, I sat with my dad and watched Dr. Phil. The particular episode was dealing with "nasty neighbors."

On this show there were two scenerios about fueding neighbors. The reasons for their arguments aren't what I am so concerned about, however they were quite the topics, but I actually want to talk about how they were acting.

I have never in my life seen a group of adults act so childish and selfish in my life! I was amazed at their arguments as I heard their stories. Dr. Phil was even getting annoyed at their behavior. This sort of behavior that they were displaying was a prime example of the selfishness and coldheartedness in society. No longer do we take on a servant's heart and give to others, but we get in the mindset of "better to reign in Hell than to serve in Heaven."

How hard is it to just let go and try and work things out? Their first way of taking care of the matters are to file lawsuits. Please tell me what that will accomplish? I will tell you the answer right now- NOTHING.

I know that it is hard to love those that irritate you and constantly harass you... but these people, instead of just letting it go, they give the other person a reason to continue their behavior by retalliating and causing a scene. That is just what is wanted by the other person.

I could go on, but I just think that people now-a-days are just flat out selfish. I know it might sound a little 1st graderish, but honestly, if you don't have something nice to say at all... JUST DON'T TALK! Be the bigger person, and walk away. Treat that person with love even though they don't deserve it. Extend that grace that has been given to you. Sometimes I don't know if I will be able to do that, but I know that God wilk give me the peace and wisdom I need in those situations.

I guess you learn a lot while playing a card game by yourself! :)

Live your life for something that will outlast it.

In light of all that has happened this semester and continues to happen all around me, I feel as if this wise line of lyrics captures the true essence of what the death of those around us or to those that are close to those around us causes to happen within our lives.

"Death is the only thing that makes us alive, forcing focus to the light that we hold inside."

We never fully understand why things happen, but even if we can't seem to see it, things happen for a purpose. Yes, we still feel that deep pain from the loss of a loved one, but we should always try and take something from their time here with us. Each person brought something new and unique to our lives. While they are no longer with us, their memories will stay with us forever.

When someone dies around us, which has been so prevalent these past 5 months, we tend to look at our own lives. What are we doing here? What is our purpose? Are we living just for today or are we focusing on something that extends beyond our finite lives?

What is holding us back? Why do we hold back the gifts that we have been given? I know I don't have everything figured out and I have my moments where I feel as though I can't go on, but the truth is, I am alive. I woke up this morning. I breathe in and out, and that's all I need to know that I have been given another day. I CAN go on. There is a reason I was given today. All I have to do is just ask God to guide me towards what He wants from my life. Everyday brings something different, and sometimes, something VERY scary or painful. We all have doubts, but those doubts should fuel our drive to move forward and prevail over our trials.

Don't hold yourself back, take those risks and move forward into the great unknown. You might be pleasantly surprised, and you will end up never having to ask for "just one more day."

The Life of a Cornhusker:

Well, I found my way back to the cornfields of Nebraska last week! I left Meemaw and Poppy's just in time to miss the storms there and then to beat the one that was approaching here. Waking up the next morning was wonderful- as I looked out the window, I saw 10" of freshly fallen snow covering the landscape. It was so great, and just puts you in the Christmas mood! There's nothing like a good taste of classic holiday cheer in the form of that fluffy fun stuff! However, I must admit, It's just not the same without those Colorado mountains in the background. This kind of weather is LOVELY, but it just makes me want to go carve up a mountainside.

So far while I've been here, I have been able to go shopping a lot, play a ridiculous amount of skipbo, golf, and pick, and have some good quality time with my parents. This is great because upon arrival, I immediately checked my e-mail to see if I had some exciting news coming my way, and in fact, I did! I learned that I have been assigned to NEW ZEALAND for Youth in Mission- my first pick! :)



Yeah, this could be me... HOW NEAT IS THAT? Or maybe I could go here...



Now, that's what I call living it up!

I can't tell you how excited I am about travel across the Pacific Ocean and experiencing life in another country! I want to meet new people, see new things, learn about where they are coming from, look at my life differently- through a new perspective! I have been feeling so confused for so long, and this new adventure that lies ahead of me is something that has given me a new strength and once again has ignited my passion for living. No, I have not been a bump on a log these past months, but nothing was changing. I know that sometimes the most wonderful things in life are the average and mundane things, but I feel that when opportunities like this arise, that they are there to heighten our level of drive and passion for life.

Who wouldn't be pumped about going here?



What makes this more exciting is the fact that yesterday morning, I received my Christmas gift! Say hello to my new little friend:




I must admit, though. This is my Christmas, Birthday, and Good Student gift from my parents that I had to go in on, but oh my goodness, it was worth it! This beaut is one SEXY camera if I can say that... This mission trip and this camera are things that I have been graciously given the opportunity to go on/ receive. I feel like I did when I got my car for graduation... I just don't deserve such wonderful things!

All this is so great, but as I sit here, I am dealing with my body not feeling so well. That is something that I just wouldn't like to deal with while I'm on vacation from school. Nothing serious, but it hinders me from doing things I would like to do. HOWEVER, this gives me the opportunity to do things inside such as:

1. Watch the 6 hours of Pride & Prejudice I just got.
2. Read Just Jane, the book I am currently reading... it's a good one... every girl should read it.
3. Paint on Chelsea's picture.
4. Paint my own creation that I've concocted in my head on the drive up here.
5. Play Skipbo several times.
6. Play with my going deaf, going blind, yet still cute little Fibi.
7. Sleep until my heart's desire.

All of those options sound wonderful... maybe I will multi-task and combine some. How many options do I have? I think that in 7th grade, we had problems like this... 7!, right? 7*6*5*4*3*2*1... that would be... 5,040 options today with just those 7 listed activity choices. Now, I know there are many more activities I could do, but I don't have time to think of them and and then calculate them.

My mood: COMPLETELY EXCITED
My mind: Racing
My body: Alright
My heart: Full of love

Maybe I'm just tired.
Maybe I'm just hurt.
Maybe I'm both...

Either way, I have not been myself at all this whole semester. This may be more out-spoken than I should be, but why do I have to go through this? I know that I can't demand that God give me what I want, but my heart hurts, and all I ask is that it go away. I want to be happy... and not just be happy with part of my life, but to be happy with it as a whole.

If I'm honest with myself, I'm not. Sure I have so much in my life, but there's still just one wound that won't seem to heal. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to find true happiness. I'm sick of the nights like this where I can't sleep, and I am caused to think of hurtful thoughts.

I seem to have a harder time, and I just don't know why. Why do I feel like this? Why did I let myself open up more, when I knew I shouldn't have... It's my own fault... Things are so confusing right now, and my emotions aren't my best friend. This sort of honesty I have is something that is extremely hard for me to talk about. I like to think I have it all together, and I make every effort to show that to others.

Truth is, I don't. I fail more than I succeed. I cry more than I smile. I'm rude more than I am nice. I just need some help...

Giving It Away

Here I am.
All of me.
I am yours.
You have my heart.
Please guide it and shape it.
Protect me from harm.
Carry me through the hurt.
Fill my valleys with your perfect and undeserved grace.
Heal me and make me complete.
I love you more than anything this world can give me.
To you alone, I give my everything... So that I may be made whole.
Please examine me.
Examine ever fiber of my being.
Cleanse me of any impurities.
Guide me in your perfect and wonderful way.
Nothing will take my heart away from you.
I am so in love with you.

Cry In My Heart

There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart,
Could I go there with You?
(For I've been here before
But I know there's still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You)

For what do I have
If I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head

Doesn't this song just seems to say it all? I can't seem to tell God enough just how much I need Him. I am nothing without him. I really have no more to say... this just says everything I can't say on my own.

Breathe a little deeper
Love a little more
Worry just a little bit less about tomorrow

~ Spencer Green

Blood... My Heart

Well, today I had the privilege of donating my blood for the first time! I can say, that I was semi-nervous about the whole experience, but thanks to Courtney, the egg story, the nurse with a gold front tooth, and some pretty strong ammonia... I made it through! I'm not gonna lie, those needles that they poke you with are VERY VERY large!

The whole time, I was thinking about how uncomfortable it was. I mean, there is a large needle, just having a hay day in my vein! It wasn't really painful, but rather it was weird and annoying. What a great thing to do, though! I just gave a part of myself to someone who really needs it.

Along those same lines, I just completed my Youth In Mission application process and I have made my interest in it final. I'm so excited about this potential opportunity to spend a summer of mine actually doing something for others. I will not be held captive in an office or on a volleyball court... I will be an instrument for God and His kingdom. I know that I can do the same here on this very campus, but I want to learn about a different culture and to see a world that needs God in a different way.

I feel like my whole life I have been in this Nazarene bubble, and while its a great thing, it is also just as destructive. I want a change of heart. I want to see people for who they are and not for what they simply do. I want to know their hearts. I want to connect with them not only as a human, but as a brother and sister in Christ. I get so set in my ways of how a Christian should look, act, talk... you know all about them, I'm sure, but I want to reexamine this life that I'm in.

I'm ready to stand at this crossroad and find out which path leads me to a brighter, better, and fuller life. I want to go through this journey with others who will stretch me in different ways. I want to be challenged by new people. I know that God will use me in ways I can't even comprehend right now, and I want those individuals that I am building relationships with to force me to wrestle with life. Am I asking for difficult times? It sure sounds like I am...

No pain no gain, right? I'm willing to give it my all.... to lose it all... only to gain it all in Christ. I love Him, and I am constantly trying to keep God my focus and my hope. Who knows, I might not get to go on this mission trip this summer. I might become ill and unable to go.

What I do know is this: I have a heart and an ability to love others. I want God to use this gift of love he's given me and share it with the world. Sure, I have my bad days and I mess up, but I just know that this love I have was meant for amazing things. No, not flashy and in your face necessarily, but for something amazing... for God. It may just be as simple as being a stay at home mother, and investing my energy in my marriage and kids. Who knows, I might be lead to educate children in Africa about AIDS and help stop the epidemic.

As I sit here and write all this, I am just overwhelmed... I can't wait! But, why wait? I can be God's hands and feet right here, and right now. Sometimes I know what I need to do, I just don't know HOW or WHERE. Does this happen a lot in people? There are so many days I wake up and feel full of life and like something great is going to happen, but when I get into the swing of things, I lose sight of the work I have been called to do. My selfishness kicks in, I get grumpy and demanding, I miss opportune moments to act.

Am I making a difference? Do I look like I care? Maybe I am.... I just am left to wonder if I'm doing enough. I know all of our works aren't always seen, I just have to have faith that God will use me as I am. I'm far from perfect. I'm nothing compared to God. I can only hope that He will lead me in the way I should go... as hard as it is to say this... I want to be lead WHEREVER He wants.

I'm opening myself up a potentially HUGE can of worms, but my God sustains me... I know that with God, I can do the "more than difficult." He's worth it... He's more than worth it. I don't say this for any other reason than for love. He has my heart, and He is healing me. He knows the way I take, and my best efforts are nothing compared to His strength in my weaknesses.

I can't seem to tell God exactly how much I love Him.

--> You have my heart. You have my soul. You have me, completely.<--

Shoutout:

So, over the break, I found out that my Poppy has my blog saved as a link on his desktop, and this makes me happy.

#1 For the fact that I know I am not talking to thin air.
#2 That Poppy and MeeMaw can stay somewhat connected to my stressful and busy life.

Poppy was really proud that he could view this, and I think that my mom was the one that told him about it after I had e-mailed her the link so she might be able to read what I've written as well. While talking with Poppy, I had mentioned that I would give him a shout out! So here it is:

Hey Poppy! Thanks for your great conversations this past week! I thoroughly enjoyed talking to you about your life and how you have seen God work in your life through those tough times. Like I was saying, I really think that those tough times we go through, no matter what age, are blessings because we come to realize the degree in which God is actively sustaining us through life. I also would like to have more conversations about your family because after talking to you... I really don't know as much as I should!

I can't wait until I get to see you and MeeMaw for Christmas! It's only 28 days away, and I know those days will go by faster than we think. I hope MeeMaw's blood pressure is doing better, and she isn't feeling as weak. I will continue to keep her in my prayers, and I just want you both to know that if there is anything I need to do to make the next holiday time easier, by cleaning, cooking, or anything else that I would be more than willing to lend a helping hand!

I think I have the best MeeMaw and Poppy in the world. If you don't know them, then you should meet these wonderful people who are in my life.

Today was good, I got to pick up Thomas from the airport and give my great friend his first hug after returning to the 405. He's a great friend with a beautiful heart. Bless him... he has helped me through so many low points. That boy should receive an award for listening to all of my rantings.

On another note, I am NOT excited about all this work that is piling up on me this week. I still have to get moving on this whole Youth in Mission thing... yeah, I have to do that in the NEAR future! Oh, but no worries! It's going to get done. All of it.... it always does somehow.

This week is going to be a great one... yep, I called it! :)

Never Forget

As I look around my room, the thought crosses my mind- What am I doing and how did I get here?

Ever come to a point in your life and you are amazed at how time has seemed to fly by and you are in this place and have no idea how you've gotten here? Why is it that time seems to go by so slow while your on the road, yet so fast when you look back on your life.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to help my Poppy take things down from the attic for his nativity scene he always sets up in front of his house. While, we did not get to hang Mary and Joseph by tying a noose around their neck and lowering them into the garage, I did get to stumble across some interesting items upstairs.

Nailed to the beams of the roof, were various pictures and letters that the grandkids had given MeeMaw and Poppy in the past. As I read/ viewed each piece, I came across the last two papers. To my surprise, they were two drawings, made by none other than me.

Let me tell you... they were ROUGH! After looking at them intently, I think my first picture that I gave to Poppy for Christmas in 1993 was a horse, and the other picture that was given to MeeMaw that same Christmas was a duck. These guesses are highly educated, and you would have to really use your imagination to see those animals in those figure.

BUT, like I said... How did I get from THAT to the painting I have hanging behind me? Several people have asked me if I would sell it to them, but I've turned them down. I'm sure NO ONE other than MeeMaw and Poppy would want those pictures nailed in their attic. What happened in those in between years? I know- A LOT!

I lost my first tooth.

I got a trampoline.

I wrote several papers.

I got my first car.

I had my heart broken for the first time.

I played several hours of volleyball.

I learned that you don't try and clean your knife by wiping it on the couch.... and then lie about the whole you made.

I realized my brother isn't the enemy.

I've taken a softball to the face.

I've lost several friends to death for various reasons.

I've learned that to love others takes dedication, compassion, respect, and a source- God.

There has been a lot of things in my life that has happened and has seemed to be packed in a TINY amount of time. My life is in the first quarter of the average person's life-span. There will be more to come... or will there? Sure, I'd like to say that I will live a long and healthy life, but really, who am I to say something like that?

Oh, I have aspirations and dreams for my life, but I can't say for SURE that I will live to a point where those dreams are able to happen. That's not my call.

I can say that I've enjoyed my life, and that I have been blessed in so many ways, but what about those times that I didn't think about how fragile my life is? What about those nights that I laid my head down and didn't apologize out of stubbornness and never even thought about it possibly being my last chance?

Man, I've gotten "lucky" more than I know. God has held me in His hand and I have just taken it for granted. I just can't seem to say thanks enough. I'm so undeserving of this life.

I Am What I Hate

I have always found materialism and insincerity to be the things that I just can't stand. I mean, you look around and see people showing off their fancy cars and designer clothes to anyone and everyone who looks in their direction.

There is nothing wrong with being blessed with what you have, but there is a difference in your attitude. It is hard for those who have plenty to really understand how blessed they are. It is easy to take your car for granted, to take your wonderful family for granted, and to become consumed in yourself, leaving others on the back-burner.

I can tell you right now that these things that I hate so much, I have fallen victim to so many times. It's hard growing up in a comfortable home and always having food on the table. I never really knew what it felt like to not know where my next meal was coming from or how I was going get to school that day. There have been times that my family has been in a financial struggle, but my parents had saved, so we were never fully out of luck.

My grandparents have been so giving to my family as well and have always been a help to my family's financial needs. I am thankful for all my life's blessings. I don't sleep on the ground because I have to, I do it because I go on recreational trips to camp! The times when I wake up and want to complain about this or that are times where I am just as guilty as those individuals who flaunt their wealth at whoever passes by.

I don't go around flaunting my wealth in exactly the same way, but isn't taking it all for granted just as bad? I mean, while I am not consciously trying to show off all I have to others, my mindset is not a grateful one. I think that is just as bad. By forgetting that everything is a precious gift from God, I am basically telling others that its not enough; that I want more.

I can never forget where I've come from and how blessed I am to have what I have. When I forget this, I am just as guilty as those whose attitudes I criticize.

How do I let myself lose sight of what's important? I'm trying... I truly am trying. I just tend to fail more than I succeed.

I can't do this alone. There's no way I will make it.

I'm so glad I have help in this life.

Give Thanks

So, Thanksgiving is coming up in just a matter of days, and this got me thinking about what I am thankful for. I look around me, and I see several things that reveal just how blessed I am. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear (and a lot of them might I add)... my list goes on!

But something I found in my life that I am thankful for is something that is not commonly thought of as being a blessing: my struggles. This year has been difficult on so many levels and has been a constant struggle that I have been dealing with. I think about how frustrated and hurt I am, but at the same time... I am so thankful for them! I know this sounds odd, but if I don't feel this hurt and pain, then how am I supposed to grow up? You don't grow unless you push yourself and fight through the pain.

I am so thankful for this time that I have alone because I am learning about how to put complete trust in God and His will for my life. I am being romanced by my wonderful God and He is teaching me how to become a better me so that I will be a full and complete woman. I am daily challenged to examine my life and to be in tune with what God wants me to do with my life. I am finding out more about the meaning of what love truly is and what it looks like. I have also found that in these weak moments of my life, my true friends have shined through.

These past months, it has seemed as though I have had a sour mood more frequently than usual and I've been upset with my many struggles, but if it weren't for these times, I wouldn't be the young woman that I am today. Yes, I can say that I am blessed for all of these struggles that I've gone through this year! I don't feel very different. Everyday brings me another confusing loop that I must find a way to jump through, but I know that with God by my side, I can make it through anything and in the end, I will be made complete.

My God will never leave me. He will never give me more than I can handle. I am a strong woman of God and my faith... my little faith.... will not be shaken. I know His plan for my life may not be pleasant, but it is worth it, and in the end I will gain so much more than anything I could ever gain right here and right now.

It is by grace that I am here, and it is by grace that I can stand on my feet and praise God with all my heart. It is by grace that I get to live this undeserved life!

***This is why I'm thankful:

God has given me more than I deserve, and He is shaping me and training me for things to come. These struggling times have been some of the most formative times of my life. I can't believe how my faith in God has changed, and how much I have grown. I am a better person because of my struggles, and this brings me a joy that only comes from God.


***This is why I love Thanksgiving:

I am reminded of everything above

Yeah, I like quotes...

"Let us be silent that we may hear the whisper of God."
-Emerson

I happen to think that when we are struggling and have asked "why" until we are blue in the face, there's only one thing that we have left to do- be silent. Why do we always get selfish at the first sign of difficulty. Things aren't going our way, so we decided to tell God the life just isn't fair. "God, I studied for 12 hours and all I got was a 38%." "I'm a good person, why did they have to put me down like that?" "I said I was sorry... isn't that what I'm supposed to say so that you can give me what I want?"

Let's all be honest here, we've said things like that before. Truth is though, we don't deserve anything! We can ask God why all we want, but that doesn't mean things are going to change. Life can stink sometimes and that's just how it is. I'm not saying that we should forget to ask those why questions altogether; those questions are healthy to ask. Don't just go through life without a spine, taking everything as it comes without some sort of questioning. Wrestle with life. Wrestle with God. Allow Him to change your name. Walk away from situations with a limp. It shows you are serious about following God and allowing Him to show you what you're really capable of if you just become honest with yourself about who you are and allow God to shape you into the person you want to be for Him.

When we don't get those answers we want though, it can be difficult. So many of us keep on talking to God and telling Him how much we hurt. It's okay to hurt and lament to God. He hears our cry- each and every one of them! How amazing is that? If I tried to listen to those cries, I would get a headache. There's one thing we miss though, and that's to sit in silence and allow God to respond back to us. We may not hear it audibly, visually, or even at that exact moment and in the response we want to hear, but God's listening. We have to be silent and in tune with his whispers so that we don't miss the big things He wants us to hear.

Just look around, beauty is beckoning you from every corner... That hug from a dear friend, the flower you took time to smell, your favorite song on the radio when you turn on the car, the warm cup of coffee that reminds you that Christmas is right around the corner. Life is beautiful even on the worst of days... just remember to look for that beauty, it's reminding you that God is still present in your life. Take a walk and just focus on things outside yourself and you will see what I mean. You forget about the cold, you forget about the injustices of the world, and you see the good. God is still here.

I've been in this waiting room before. I've had a hard time clinging to my faith and hope for what my life is going to be for God. My life, as short as it has been, has had very difficult moments, but I've seen God at work. In fact, these times when I'm waiting and struggling, I've been more aware of God's hand in my life. Funny how those moments of pain are the greatest moments where the joys in life are revealed. You learn to be content and grateful for what you still have. You notice the little things more.

Don't give up on God. Don't give Him and ultimatum. Even if He doesn't answer right away or in the way you want, when you're silent... God shows up, and in BIG ways.

He will show up... I just don't know when or how. My love for Him grows everyday, and I couldn't ask for a better joy than that, which I have found in Him.

Ahhh...

There's nothing like cruising down the freeway in a convertible at night with your friend, singing, laughing, screaming, and dancing.

It's wonderful.
It's free.
It's exciting.
It makes your heart leap.
It's intimate.
It's lovely.
It's mine.

It came at JUST the right time, after I had JUST asked for a pick-me-up, and it's all mine.
My special gift to be enjoyed, and I will never forget the feeling of the wind in my hair, and the song in my heart.

This is what life is supposed to be like: Living like there's no tomorrow and taking up every opportunity to live the life we've been graciously given!

What a blessing to have friends who share these moments with you. We've been given life, and it's God's desire that we LIVE it! This isn't always easy. There are many things that drag us down, but one thing's for sure. If you get an opportunity to do something amazing during those rough times, suck it up and go for you... you will be pleasantly surprised! Don't be blind to opportunities for that crummy day to be turned upside down.

There are blessings all around, open your eyes... really open your eyes... you are blessed beyond your understanding...

I will never forget last night.

** Funny how I write to someone as if someone is reading this.... no one does- HA! At least it's a personal reminder of what I need to do, and who i need to be... and once again, I'm talking to myself... we have a problem here**

This amazes me...

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." Daniel 3:17-18

Now that's some strong faith...

My prayer

Embrace me
Cover me in love
I am yours

Grace, it's truly amazing

'But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.' {2 Corinthians 12:9}

What a wonderful thing to think about.

What a wonderful thing to experience.

Dreams

They can be good... they can be bad.
I'm going to talk about the bad kind.
One specific dream in particular.
That keeps coming back.
It won't stop.
It's the same thing over and over again.
I'm sick of it!
I am trying to find joy.
Each day I have the stupid dream makes that task difficult.
I am happy.
I have a WONDERFUL life.
I am blessed beyond what I deserve.
Why do I let my subconscious get to me so much?
Maybe because it seems so real.
Why does it seem so real?
I tasted it.
I FELT it.
I saw it.
It happened.
But only in my dream.
Man, it seemed so real.
Dreams.
They can be good.... they can be bad.
I HATE it when they're bad.

My life so far

You know what? Growing up is hard... You go through those years when something as simple as your best friend eating your last animal cracker is THE biggest problem of you life, and then years later, you are dealing with issues such as what you are going to do with your life and how you are going to make it financially on your own. These huge questions we have to ask ourselves and figure out the answers to are pretty scary when they come at you all at once.

When did I trade in my Little Mermaid lunch box for a ticket on a rapidly accelerating train towards "the great unknown?" Man, I heard this said so many times, but time really does fly by. Today, I had the opportunity to go surprise my mom and grandparents in Medford for Labor Day Weekend. It was a great time with the family (minus Dad). While I was there, Michelle, Jonathan, and I watched home videos. Man, we were some studs back then- ankle socks with sandals (that didn't fit our feet might I add), short haircuts, awkward teeth, chubby bodies, and not let's not forget the constant need for attention- Those were some of the happiest times of my life, and why?

I didn't have a care in the world.

Once 7th grade hit, I became more aware of what others though of me (particularly of the male species... yes species), I was faced with new truths about the world in which we live in, and I had more and more responsibilities piling on. I had to start growing up- Whoa. I'm so thankful God spared me from a lot during those years. I had wonderful friends who constantly challenged me, and continue to do so. I realized the importance of being nice and loving to others, I realized that I was a very independent girl, I learned about several talents I had never realized were within me, and I didn't waste my time on immature boys- not really by choice... I was just "one of the guys." The last one is bitter-sweet, but I'm trying to make it more on the sweeter side. :)

What I guess I'm trying to say is that we must look back on our life when we feel overwhelmed and unsure about our future and remember where we came from. I no longer cry when that elephant cracker is captured from my paper towel- or at least not as long and I forgive quickly. I've grown up. Sure, it has been over time that this has all happened. If I had to jump from the first time I dressed myself to taking Accounting II, I would have died!

God has provided for me since.... forever!

Why then must I doubt so much?

I guess so I can show my true faith in Him.

As much as I want control and have my future setup step by step... I can't. God won't do that for me. It's my choice. I must allow God to guide me through and help me make the best decisions I can- no matter how difficult they may be- so that I will remain in His will.

If you know me, letting go of control and spontaneity are not my fortes. I like organization and order.

Life is chaotic and complex.

This should be interesting.

Good thing I'm not alone.

First Post

So, I recently got rid of my Xanga page considering I hadn't posted in about a year, and now I have this, which I basically the same thing. We shall see how this one will work out for me. I have a feeling that it will be good. Writing your thoughts is something that I find to be beneficial to me. Will I write in this everyday? Nope. Will I say things that I will later laugh/ get embarrassed about, or later regret... most likely. Who knows what I will write! This basically will show my development as a person, which is cool. Think about it, I can see how far I've come along in life just by clicking a back button and reading thoughts about what I was dealing with months ago. This of course, will take a while to build up before I can reach that point, but I believe that recording what you've gone through is helpful with learning about yourself and about life. Why make the same mistake? Why not embrace those moments in your life that you were wrong and learn from them? Rejoice when you turned a new leaf, and be thankful when you did something right for once. This should be an interesting journey to observe. My life... my sophomore year... my story... What does the future hold? Well, we will soon find out! :)