Blood... My Heart

Well, today I had the privilege of donating my blood for the first time! I can say, that I was semi-nervous about the whole experience, but thanks to Courtney, the egg story, the nurse with a gold front tooth, and some pretty strong ammonia... I made it through! I'm not gonna lie, those needles that they poke you with are VERY VERY large!

The whole time, I was thinking about how uncomfortable it was. I mean, there is a large needle, just having a hay day in my vein! It wasn't really painful, but rather it was weird and annoying. What a great thing to do, though! I just gave a part of myself to someone who really needs it.

Along those same lines, I just completed my Youth In Mission application process and I have made my interest in it final. I'm so excited about this potential opportunity to spend a summer of mine actually doing something for others. I will not be held captive in an office or on a volleyball court... I will be an instrument for God and His kingdom. I know that I can do the same here on this very campus, but I want to learn about a different culture and to see a world that needs God in a different way.

I feel like my whole life I have been in this Nazarene bubble, and while its a great thing, it is also just as destructive. I want a change of heart. I want to see people for who they are and not for what they simply do. I want to know their hearts. I want to connect with them not only as a human, but as a brother and sister in Christ. I get so set in my ways of how a Christian should look, act, talk... you know all about them, I'm sure, but I want to reexamine this life that I'm in.

I'm ready to stand at this crossroad and find out which path leads me to a brighter, better, and fuller life. I want to go through this journey with others who will stretch me in different ways. I want to be challenged by new people. I know that God will use me in ways I can't even comprehend right now, and I want those individuals that I am building relationships with to force me to wrestle with life. Am I asking for difficult times? It sure sounds like I am...

No pain no gain, right? I'm willing to give it my all.... to lose it all... only to gain it all in Christ. I love Him, and I am constantly trying to keep God my focus and my hope. Who knows, I might not get to go on this mission trip this summer. I might become ill and unable to go.

What I do know is this: I have a heart and an ability to love others. I want God to use this gift of love he's given me and share it with the world. Sure, I have my bad days and I mess up, but I just know that this love I have was meant for amazing things. No, not flashy and in your face necessarily, but for something amazing... for God. It may just be as simple as being a stay at home mother, and investing my energy in my marriage and kids. Who knows, I might be lead to educate children in Africa about AIDS and help stop the epidemic.

As I sit here and write all this, I am just overwhelmed... I can't wait! But, why wait? I can be God's hands and feet right here, and right now. Sometimes I know what I need to do, I just don't know HOW or WHERE. Does this happen a lot in people? There are so many days I wake up and feel full of life and like something great is going to happen, but when I get into the swing of things, I lose sight of the work I have been called to do. My selfishness kicks in, I get grumpy and demanding, I miss opportune moments to act.

Am I making a difference? Do I look like I care? Maybe I am.... I just am left to wonder if I'm doing enough. I know all of our works aren't always seen, I just have to have faith that God will use me as I am. I'm far from perfect. I'm nothing compared to God. I can only hope that He will lead me in the way I should go... as hard as it is to say this... I want to be lead WHEREVER He wants.

I'm opening myself up a potentially HUGE can of worms, but my God sustains me... I know that with God, I can do the "more than difficult." He's worth it... He's more than worth it. I don't say this for any other reason than for love. He has my heart, and He is healing me. He knows the way I take, and my best efforts are nothing compared to His strength in my weaknesses.

I can't seem to tell God exactly how much I love Him.

--> You have my heart. You have my soul. You have me, completely.<--