Breathe a little deeper
Love a little more
Worry just a little bit less about tomorrow

~ Spencer Green

Blood... My Heart

Well, today I had the privilege of donating my blood for the first time! I can say, that I was semi-nervous about the whole experience, but thanks to Courtney, the egg story, the nurse with a gold front tooth, and some pretty strong ammonia... I made it through! I'm not gonna lie, those needles that they poke you with are VERY VERY large!

The whole time, I was thinking about how uncomfortable it was. I mean, there is a large needle, just having a hay day in my vein! It wasn't really painful, but rather it was weird and annoying. What a great thing to do, though! I just gave a part of myself to someone who really needs it.

Along those same lines, I just completed my Youth In Mission application process and I have made my interest in it final. I'm so excited about this potential opportunity to spend a summer of mine actually doing something for others. I will not be held captive in an office or on a volleyball court... I will be an instrument for God and His kingdom. I know that I can do the same here on this very campus, but I want to learn about a different culture and to see a world that needs God in a different way.

I feel like my whole life I have been in this Nazarene bubble, and while its a great thing, it is also just as destructive. I want a change of heart. I want to see people for who they are and not for what they simply do. I want to know their hearts. I want to connect with them not only as a human, but as a brother and sister in Christ. I get so set in my ways of how a Christian should look, act, talk... you know all about them, I'm sure, but I want to reexamine this life that I'm in.

I'm ready to stand at this crossroad and find out which path leads me to a brighter, better, and fuller life. I want to go through this journey with others who will stretch me in different ways. I want to be challenged by new people. I know that God will use me in ways I can't even comprehend right now, and I want those individuals that I am building relationships with to force me to wrestle with life. Am I asking for difficult times? It sure sounds like I am...

No pain no gain, right? I'm willing to give it my all.... to lose it all... only to gain it all in Christ. I love Him, and I am constantly trying to keep God my focus and my hope. Who knows, I might not get to go on this mission trip this summer. I might become ill and unable to go.

What I do know is this: I have a heart and an ability to love others. I want God to use this gift of love he's given me and share it with the world. Sure, I have my bad days and I mess up, but I just know that this love I have was meant for amazing things. No, not flashy and in your face necessarily, but for something amazing... for God. It may just be as simple as being a stay at home mother, and investing my energy in my marriage and kids. Who knows, I might be lead to educate children in Africa about AIDS and help stop the epidemic.

As I sit here and write all this, I am just overwhelmed... I can't wait! But, why wait? I can be God's hands and feet right here, and right now. Sometimes I know what I need to do, I just don't know HOW or WHERE. Does this happen a lot in people? There are so many days I wake up and feel full of life and like something great is going to happen, but when I get into the swing of things, I lose sight of the work I have been called to do. My selfishness kicks in, I get grumpy and demanding, I miss opportune moments to act.

Am I making a difference? Do I look like I care? Maybe I am.... I just am left to wonder if I'm doing enough. I know all of our works aren't always seen, I just have to have faith that God will use me as I am. I'm far from perfect. I'm nothing compared to God. I can only hope that He will lead me in the way I should go... as hard as it is to say this... I want to be lead WHEREVER He wants.

I'm opening myself up a potentially HUGE can of worms, but my God sustains me... I know that with God, I can do the "more than difficult." He's worth it... He's more than worth it. I don't say this for any other reason than for love. He has my heart, and He is healing me. He knows the way I take, and my best efforts are nothing compared to His strength in my weaknesses.

I can't seem to tell God exactly how much I love Him.

--> You have my heart. You have my soul. You have me, completely.<--

Shoutout:

So, over the break, I found out that my Poppy has my blog saved as a link on his desktop, and this makes me happy.

#1 For the fact that I know I am not talking to thin air.
#2 That Poppy and MeeMaw can stay somewhat connected to my stressful and busy life.

Poppy was really proud that he could view this, and I think that my mom was the one that told him about it after I had e-mailed her the link so she might be able to read what I've written as well. While talking with Poppy, I had mentioned that I would give him a shout out! So here it is:

Hey Poppy! Thanks for your great conversations this past week! I thoroughly enjoyed talking to you about your life and how you have seen God work in your life through those tough times. Like I was saying, I really think that those tough times we go through, no matter what age, are blessings because we come to realize the degree in which God is actively sustaining us through life. I also would like to have more conversations about your family because after talking to you... I really don't know as much as I should!

I can't wait until I get to see you and MeeMaw for Christmas! It's only 28 days away, and I know those days will go by faster than we think. I hope MeeMaw's blood pressure is doing better, and she isn't feeling as weak. I will continue to keep her in my prayers, and I just want you both to know that if there is anything I need to do to make the next holiday time easier, by cleaning, cooking, or anything else that I would be more than willing to lend a helping hand!

I think I have the best MeeMaw and Poppy in the world. If you don't know them, then you should meet these wonderful people who are in my life.

Today was good, I got to pick up Thomas from the airport and give my great friend his first hug after returning to the 405. He's a great friend with a beautiful heart. Bless him... he has helped me through so many low points. That boy should receive an award for listening to all of my rantings.

On another note, I am NOT excited about all this work that is piling up on me this week. I still have to get moving on this whole Youth in Mission thing... yeah, I have to do that in the NEAR future! Oh, but no worries! It's going to get done. All of it.... it always does somehow.

This week is going to be a great one... yep, I called it! :)

Never Forget

As I look around my room, the thought crosses my mind- What am I doing and how did I get here?

Ever come to a point in your life and you are amazed at how time has seemed to fly by and you are in this place and have no idea how you've gotten here? Why is it that time seems to go by so slow while your on the road, yet so fast when you look back on your life.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to help my Poppy take things down from the attic for his nativity scene he always sets up in front of his house. While, we did not get to hang Mary and Joseph by tying a noose around their neck and lowering them into the garage, I did get to stumble across some interesting items upstairs.

Nailed to the beams of the roof, were various pictures and letters that the grandkids had given MeeMaw and Poppy in the past. As I read/ viewed each piece, I came across the last two papers. To my surprise, they were two drawings, made by none other than me.

Let me tell you... they were ROUGH! After looking at them intently, I think my first picture that I gave to Poppy for Christmas in 1993 was a horse, and the other picture that was given to MeeMaw that same Christmas was a duck. These guesses are highly educated, and you would have to really use your imagination to see those animals in those figure.

BUT, like I said... How did I get from THAT to the painting I have hanging behind me? Several people have asked me if I would sell it to them, but I've turned them down. I'm sure NO ONE other than MeeMaw and Poppy would want those pictures nailed in their attic. What happened in those in between years? I know- A LOT!

I lost my first tooth.

I got a trampoline.

I wrote several papers.

I got my first car.

I had my heart broken for the first time.

I played several hours of volleyball.

I learned that you don't try and clean your knife by wiping it on the couch.... and then lie about the whole you made.

I realized my brother isn't the enemy.

I've taken a softball to the face.

I've lost several friends to death for various reasons.

I've learned that to love others takes dedication, compassion, respect, and a source- God.

There has been a lot of things in my life that has happened and has seemed to be packed in a TINY amount of time. My life is in the first quarter of the average person's life-span. There will be more to come... or will there? Sure, I'd like to say that I will live a long and healthy life, but really, who am I to say something like that?

Oh, I have aspirations and dreams for my life, but I can't say for SURE that I will live to a point where those dreams are able to happen. That's not my call.

I can say that I've enjoyed my life, and that I have been blessed in so many ways, but what about those times that I didn't think about how fragile my life is? What about those nights that I laid my head down and didn't apologize out of stubbornness and never even thought about it possibly being my last chance?

Man, I've gotten "lucky" more than I know. God has held me in His hand and I have just taken it for granted. I just can't seem to say thanks enough. I'm so undeserving of this life.

I Am What I Hate

I have always found materialism and insincerity to be the things that I just can't stand. I mean, you look around and see people showing off their fancy cars and designer clothes to anyone and everyone who looks in their direction.

There is nothing wrong with being blessed with what you have, but there is a difference in your attitude. It is hard for those who have plenty to really understand how blessed they are. It is easy to take your car for granted, to take your wonderful family for granted, and to become consumed in yourself, leaving others on the back-burner.

I can tell you right now that these things that I hate so much, I have fallen victim to so many times. It's hard growing up in a comfortable home and always having food on the table. I never really knew what it felt like to not know where my next meal was coming from or how I was going get to school that day. There have been times that my family has been in a financial struggle, but my parents had saved, so we were never fully out of luck.

My grandparents have been so giving to my family as well and have always been a help to my family's financial needs. I am thankful for all my life's blessings. I don't sleep on the ground because I have to, I do it because I go on recreational trips to camp! The times when I wake up and want to complain about this or that are times where I am just as guilty as those individuals who flaunt their wealth at whoever passes by.

I don't go around flaunting my wealth in exactly the same way, but isn't taking it all for granted just as bad? I mean, while I am not consciously trying to show off all I have to others, my mindset is not a grateful one. I think that is just as bad. By forgetting that everything is a precious gift from God, I am basically telling others that its not enough; that I want more.

I can never forget where I've come from and how blessed I am to have what I have. When I forget this, I am just as guilty as those whose attitudes I criticize.

How do I let myself lose sight of what's important? I'm trying... I truly am trying. I just tend to fail more than I succeed.

I can't do this alone. There's no way I will make it.

I'm so glad I have help in this life.

Give Thanks

So, Thanksgiving is coming up in just a matter of days, and this got me thinking about what I am thankful for. I look around me, and I see several things that reveal just how blessed I am. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear (and a lot of them might I add)... my list goes on!

But something I found in my life that I am thankful for is something that is not commonly thought of as being a blessing: my struggles. This year has been difficult on so many levels and has been a constant struggle that I have been dealing with. I think about how frustrated and hurt I am, but at the same time... I am so thankful for them! I know this sounds odd, but if I don't feel this hurt and pain, then how am I supposed to grow up? You don't grow unless you push yourself and fight through the pain.

I am so thankful for this time that I have alone because I am learning about how to put complete trust in God and His will for my life. I am being romanced by my wonderful God and He is teaching me how to become a better me so that I will be a full and complete woman. I am daily challenged to examine my life and to be in tune with what God wants me to do with my life. I am finding out more about the meaning of what love truly is and what it looks like. I have also found that in these weak moments of my life, my true friends have shined through.

These past months, it has seemed as though I have had a sour mood more frequently than usual and I've been upset with my many struggles, but if it weren't for these times, I wouldn't be the young woman that I am today. Yes, I can say that I am blessed for all of these struggles that I've gone through this year! I don't feel very different. Everyday brings me another confusing loop that I must find a way to jump through, but I know that with God by my side, I can make it through anything and in the end, I will be made complete.

My God will never leave me. He will never give me more than I can handle. I am a strong woman of God and my faith... my little faith.... will not be shaken. I know His plan for my life may not be pleasant, but it is worth it, and in the end I will gain so much more than anything I could ever gain right here and right now.

It is by grace that I am here, and it is by grace that I can stand on my feet and praise God with all my heart. It is by grace that I get to live this undeserved life!

***This is why I'm thankful:

God has given me more than I deserve, and He is shaping me and training me for things to come. These struggling times have been some of the most formative times of my life. I can't believe how my faith in God has changed, and how much I have grown. I am a better person because of my struggles, and this brings me a joy that only comes from God.


***This is why I love Thanksgiving:

I am reminded of everything above

Yeah, I like quotes...

"Let us be silent that we may hear the whisper of God."
-Emerson

I happen to think that when we are struggling and have asked "why" until we are blue in the face, there's only one thing that we have left to do- be silent. Why do we always get selfish at the first sign of difficulty. Things aren't going our way, so we decided to tell God the life just isn't fair. "God, I studied for 12 hours and all I got was a 38%." "I'm a good person, why did they have to put me down like that?" "I said I was sorry... isn't that what I'm supposed to say so that you can give me what I want?"

Let's all be honest here, we've said things like that before. Truth is though, we don't deserve anything! We can ask God why all we want, but that doesn't mean things are going to change. Life can stink sometimes and that's just how it is. I'm not saying that we should forget to ask those why questions altogether; those questions are healthy to ask. Don't just go through life without a spine, taking everything as it comes without some sort of questioning. Wrestle with life. Wrestle with God. Allow Him to change your name. Walk away from situations with a limp. It shows you are serious about following God and allowing Him to show you what you're really capable of if you just become honest with yourself about who you are and allow God to shape you into the person you want to be for Him.

When we don't get those answers we want though, it can be difficult. So many of us keep on talking to God and telling Him how much we hurt. It's okay to hurt and lament to God. He hears our cry- each and every one of them! How amazing is that? If I tried to listen to those cries, I would get a headache. There's one thing we miss though, and that's to sit in silence and allow God to respond back to us. We may not hear it audibly, visually, or even at that exact moment and in the response we want to hear, but God's listening. We have to be silent and in tune with his whispers so that we don't miss the big things He wants us to hear.

Just look around, beauty is beckoning you from every corner... That hug from a dear friend, the flower you took time to smell, your favorite song on the radio when you turn on the car, the warm cup of coffee that reminds you that Christmas is right around the corner. Life is beautiful even on the worst of days... just remember to look for that beauty, it's reminding you that God is still present in your life. Take a walk and just focus on things outside yourself and you will see what I mean. You forget about the cold, you forget about the injustices of the world, and you see the good. God is still here.

I've been in this waiting room before. I've had a hard time clinging to my faith and hope for what my life is going to be for God. My life, as short as it has been, has had very difficult moments, but I've seen God at work. In fact, these times when I'm waiting and struggling, I've been more aware of God's hand in my life. Funny how those moments of pain are the greatest moments where the joys in life are revealed. You learn to be content and grateful for what you still have. You notice the little things more.

Don't give up on God. Don't give Him and ultimatum. Even if He doesn't answer right away or in the way you want, when you're silent... God shows up, and in BIG ways.

He will show up... I just don't know when or how. My love for Him grows everyday, and I couldn't ask for a better joy than that, which I have found in Him.

Ahhh...

There's nothing like cruising down the freeway in a convertible at night with your friend, singing, laughing, screaming, and dancing.

It's wonderful.
It's free.
It's exciting.
It makes your heart leap.
It's intimate.
It's lovely.
It's mine.

It came at JUST the right time, after I had JUST asked for a pick-me-up, and it's all mine.
My special gift to be enjoyed, and I will never forget the feeling of the wind in my hair, and the song in my heart.

This is what life is supposed to be like: Living like there's no tomorrow and taking up every opportunity to live the life we've been graciously given!

What a blessing to have friends who share these moments with you. We've been given life, and it's God's desire that we LIVE it! This isn't always easy. There are many things that drag us down, but one thing's for sure. If you get an opportunity to do something amazing during those rough times, suck it up and go for you... you will be pleasantly surprised! Don't be blind to opportunities for that crummy day to be turned upside down.

There are blessings all around, open your eyes... really open your eyes... you are blessed beyond your understanding...

I will never forget last night.

** Funny how I write to someone as if someone is reading this.... no one does- HA! At least it's a personal reminder of what I need to do, and who i need to be... and once again, I'm talking to myself... we have a problem here**