While I sit here, I am asking myself why I am not curled up in my bed taking a nap... honestly, I can't find a good answer. I am currently serving as an NSI mentor for the spring session here at SNU, and we have been constantly doing things for the past two days. So now that I have free time, I am taking advantage of it by not sleeping... oh no... I'm doing the good 'ol American thing... I'm spending my time on the Internet and blogging.
I've come to realize that most people who blog talk about politics, social issues, the development of their children, or just about lofty ideas or questions. I on the other hand, because I lack the joy of having children (which is GREAT right now... too early in life for that), I just get kind of frustrated with politics these days, I would rather DO something about social issues than type out and analyze them, and I have come to realize that there isn't a lot of interesting things going on upstairs.... I just kind of vent and say whatever comes to mind.
I don't know if anyone really reads this other than my mom and Poppy, but I'm completely fine with it! To be honest, I really don't think that many people would really want to know about an event that happened to me while waking up this morning, or some other random thing that has happened in my life. Only the significant matters of my life are worth hearing, right? And even those are questionable about their attractiveness to others.
What I'm really driving at right now is what is happening within me. This new year has brought several new experiences into my life. I have spent wonderful days with my parents, grandparents, my best friend, some old friends, and even some new friends! I have spent 16 hours outside of Chick-fil-a.... in the rain, sleet, and snow... so that I might get 52 free meals this year! (I was #24 in line by the way) So as you can see, I have done a lot, but most importantly... I have dedicated my summer to a wonderful opportunity that God has given me. When most people hear that I am going to New Zealand, they get jealous and I even get jealous of myself... and I never knew the latter could happen, but it is.... trust me.
I am ecstatic that I get to go minister to others, but I still have some fears about how it will all work out. I get told that I worry too much, and that would be an understatement, I believe. I'm working on that, and God has allowed me to experience things that have put me to that test. I constantly pray for my heart to be shaped in a way that would allow me to be used by God- even when I feel like I can't go on. What amazes me the most and what gives me hope for my future is hearing about all the times I have been used when I thought I was useless.
I have had several conversations with people in my present and past that have allowed me to catch a glimpse of how God has used me even when I didn't know anything was happening. Remembering those conversations give me goosebumps! I could sit here and write about all the things that have been said about this matter, but it would not be the full story, and my lack of eloquence in writing my thoughts would by no means do justice for the praise that should be given to God. I know he looks at our efforts, so my mediocre sentences will have to suffice. I may sound like a broken record, but despite all the trials I have and continue to go through, I have encountered God in a very real way, and I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world.
I know this next semester will bring me more trials and tribulations, but with God by my side- amazing things will happen. My heart is willing. It is because of this that I can say I am thrilled to see what God is going to do this summer in an island off the coast of Australia.
I would like to ask you. If you are reading this and are willing, will you join me in prayer for this trip? I feel like the is not only an opportunity for me, but also for those around me to get involved in something God is going to do. While I will be there physically... you can be there in your heart. Your prayers will help me get through the days that I wake up mentally and physically exhausted. Your prayers to God will be heard. I feel like prayer is overlooked, and for a bad reason. You may not know it, but your prayer might be exactly what is needed in a moment of desperation. I have to fly across an ocean, be in a different country, interact with people I don't know, eat different foods.... the list continues... and with all those things comes risk, a risk that your simple prayer might protect me through.
I feel as though my heart is already there... the hardest part night now is just waiting.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Monday, December 24, 2007
Dr. Phil
As I was playing skip-bo on the livingroom floor this afternoon in my grandparents' house, I sat with my dad and watched Dr. Phil. The particular episode was dealing with "nasty neighbors."
On this show there were two scenerios about fueding neighbors. The reasons for their arguments aren't what I am so concerned about, however they were quite the topics, but I actually want to talk about how they were acting.
I have never in my life seen a group of adults act so childish and selfish in my life! I was amazed at their arguments as I heard their stories. Dr. Phil was even getting annoyed at their behavior. This sort of behavior that they were displaying was a prime example of the selfishness and coldheartedness in society. No longer do we take on a servant's heart and give to others, but we get in the mindset of "better to reign in Hell than to serve in Heaven."
How hard is it to just let go and try and work things out? Their first way of taking care of the matters are to file lawsuits. Please tell me what that will accomplish? I will tell you the answer right now- NOTHING.
I know that it is hard to love those that irritate you and constantly harass you... but these people, instead of just letting it go, they give the other person a reason to continue their behavior by retalliating and causing a scene. That is just what is wanted by the other person.
I could go on, but I just think that people now-a-days are just flat out selfish. I know it might sound a little 1st graderish, but honestly, if you don't have something nice to say at all... JUST DON'T TALK! Be the bigger person, and walk away. Treat that person with love even though they don't deserve it. Extend that grace that has been given to you. Sometimes I don't know if I will be able to do that, but I know that God wilk give me the peace and wisdom I need in those situations.
I guess you learn a lot while playing a card game by yourself! :)
On this show there were two scenerios about fueding neighbors. The reasons for their arguments aren't what I am so concerned about, however they were quite the topics, but I actually want to talk about how they were acting.
I have never in my life seen a group of adults act so childish and selfish in my life! I was amazed at their arguments as I heard their stories. Dr. Phil was even getting annoyed at their behavior. This sort of behavior that they were displaying was a prime example of the selfishness and coldheartedness in society. No longer do we take on a servant's heart and give to others, but we get in the mindset of "better to reign in Hell than to serve in Heaven."
How hard is it to just let go and try and work things out? Their first way of taking care of the matters are to file lawsuits. Please tell me what that will accomplish? I will tell you the answer right now- NOTHING.
I know that it is hard to love those that irritate you and constantly harass you... but these people, instead of just letting it go, they give the other person a reason to continue their behavior by retalliating and causing a scene. That is just what is wanted by the other person.
I could go on, but I just think that people now-a-days are just flat out selfish. I know it might sound a little 1st graderish, but honestly, if you don't have something nice to say at all... JUST DON'T TALK! Be the bigger person, and walk away. Treat that person with love even though they don't deserve it. Extend that grace that has been given to you. Sometimes I don't know if I will be able to do that, but I know that God wilk give me the peace and wisdom I need in those situations.
I guess you learn a lot while playing a card game by yourself! :)
Friday, December 21, 2007
Live your life for something that will outlast it.
In light of all that has happened this semester and continues to happen all around me, I feel as if this wise line of lyrics captures the true essence of what the death of those around us or to those that are close to those around us causes to happen within our lives.
"Death is the only thing that makes us alive, forcing focus to the light that we hold inside."
We never fully understand why things happen, but even if we can't seem to see it, things happen for a purpose. Yes, we still feel that deep pain from the loss of a loved one, but we should always try and take something from their time here with us. Each person brought something new and unique to our lives. While they are no longer with us, their memories will stay with us forever.
When someone dies around us, which has been so prevalent these past 5 months, we tend to look at our own lives. What are we doing here? What is our purpose? Are we living just for today or are we focusing on something that extends beyond our finite lives?
What is holding us back? Why do we hold back the gifts that we have been given? I know I don't have everything figured out and I have my moments where I feel as though I can't go on, but the truth is, I am alive. I woke up this morning. I breathe in and out, and that's all I need to know that I have been given another day. I CAN go on. There is a reason I was given today. All I have to do is just ask God to guide me towards what He wants from my life. Everyday brings something different, and sometimes, something VERY scary or painful. We all have doubts, but those doubts should fuel our drive to move forward and prevail over our trials.
Don't hold yourself back, take those risks and move forward into the great unknown. You might be pleasantly surprised, and you will end up never having to ask for "just one more day."
"Death is the only thing that makes us alive, forcing focus to the light that we hold inside."
We never fully understand why things happen, but even if we can't seem to see it, things happen for a purpose. Yes, we still feel that deep pain from the loss of a loved one, but we should always try and take something from their time here with us. Each person brought something new and unique to our lives. While they are no longer with us, their memories will stay with us forever.
When someone dies around us, which has been so prevalent these past 5 months, we tend to look at our own lives. What are we doing here? What is our purpose? Are we living just for today or are we focusing on something that extends beyond our finite lives?
What is holding us back? Why do we hold back the gifts that we have been given? I know I don't have everything figured out and I have my moments where I feel as though I can't go on, but the truth is, I am alive. I woke up this morning. I breathe in and out, and that's all I need to know that I have been given another day. I CAN go on. There is a reason I was given today. All I have to do is just ask God to guide me towards what He wants from my life. Everyday brings something different, and sometimes, something VERY scary or painful. We all have doubts, but those doubts should fuel our drive to move forward and prevail over our trials.
Don't hold yourself back, take those risks and move forward into the great unknown. You might be pleasantly surprised, and you will end up never having to ask for "just one more day."
The Life of a Cornhusker:
Well, I found my way back to the cornfields of Nebraska last week! I left Meemaw and Poppy's just in time to miss the storms there and then to beat the one that was approaching here. Waking up the next morning was wonderful- as I looked out the window, I saw 10" of freshly fallen snow covering the landscape. It was so great, and just puts you in the Christmas mood! There's nothing like a good taste of classic holiday cheer in the form of that fluffy fun stuff! However, I must admit, It's just not the same without those Colorado mountains in the background. This kind of weather is LOVELY, but it just makes me want to go carve up a mountainside.
So far while I've been here, I have been able to go shopping a lot, play a ridiculous amount of skipbo, golf, and pick, and have some good quality time with my parents. This is great because upon arrival, I immediately checked my e-mail to see if I had some exciting news coming my way, and in fact, I did! I learned that I have been assigned to NEW ZEALAND for Youth in Mission- my first pick! :)
Yeah, this could be me... HOW NEAT IS THAT? Or maybe I could go here...
Now, that's what I call living it up!
I can't tell you how excited I am about travel across the Pacific Ocean and experiencing life in another country! I want to meet new people, see new things, learn about where they are coming from, look at my life differently- through a new perspective! I have been feeling so confused for so long, and this new adventure that lies ahead of me is something that has given me a new strength and once again has ignited my passion for living. No, I have not been a bump on a log these past months, but nothing was changing. I know that sometimes the most wonderful things in life are the average and mundane things, but I feel that when opportunities like this arise, that they are there to heighten our level of drive and passion for life.
Who wouldn't be pumped about going here?
What makes this more exciting is the fact that yesterday morning, I received my Christmas gift! Say hello to my new little friend:
I must admit, though. This is my Christmas, Birthday, and Good Student gift from my parents that I had to go in on, but oh my goodness, it was worth it! This beaut is one SEXY camera if I can say that... This mission trip and this camera are things that I have been graciously given the opportunity to go on/ receive. I feel like I did when I got my car for graduation... I just don't deserve such wonderful things!
All this is so great, but as I sit here, I am dealing with my body not feeling so well. That is something that I just wouldn't like to deal with while I'm on vacation from school. Nothing serious, but it hinders me from doing things I would like to do. HOWEVER, this gives me the opportunity to do things inside such as:
1. Watch the 6 hours of Pride & Prejudice I just got.
2. Read Just Jane, the book I am currently reading... it's a good one... every girl should read it.
3. Paint on Chelsea's picture.
4. Paint my own creation that I've concocted in my head on the drive up here.
5. Play Skipbo several times.
6. Play with my going deaf, going blind, yet still cute little Fibi.
7. Sleep until my heart's desire.
All of those options sound wonderful... maybe I will multi-task and combine some. How many options do I have? I think that in 7th grade, we had problems like this... 7!, right? 7*6*5*4*3*2*1... that would be... 5,040 options today with just those 7 listed activity choices. Now, I know there are many more activities I could do, but I don't have time to think of them and and then calculate them.
My mood: COMPLETELY EXCITED
My mind: Racing
My body: Alright
My heart: Full of love
So far while I've been here, I have been able to go shopping a lot, play a ridiculous amount of skipbo, golf, and pick, and have some good quality time with my parents. This is great because upon arrival, I immediately checked my e-mail to see if I had some exciting news coming my way, and in fact, I did! I learned that I have been assigned to NEW ZEALAND for Youth in Mission- my first pick! :)
Yeah, this could be me... HOW NEAT IS THAT? Or maybe I could go here...
Now, that's what I call living it up!
I can't tell you how excited I am about travel across the Pacific Ocean and experiencing life in another country! I want to meet new people, see new things, learn about where they are coming from, look at my life differently- through a new perspective! I have been feeling so confused for so long, and this new adventure that lies ahead of me is something that has given me a new strength and once again has ignited my passion for living. No, I have not been a bump on a log these past months, but nothing was changing. I know that sometimes the most wonderful things in life are the average and mundane things, but I feel that when opportunities like this arise, that they are there to heighten our level of drive and passion for life.
Who wouldn't be pumped about going here?
What makes this more exciting is the fact that yesterday morning, I received my Christmas gift! Say hello to my new little friend:
I must admit, though. This is my Christmas, Birthday, and Good Student gift from my parents that I had to go in on, but oh my goodness, it was worth it! This beaut is one SEXY camera if I can say that... This mission trip and this camera are things that I have been graciously given the opportunity to go on/ receive. I feel like I did when I got my car for graduation... I just don't deserve such wonderful things!
All this is so great, but as I sit here, I am dealing with my body not feeling so well. That is something that I just wouldn't like to deal with while I'm on vacation from school. Nothing serious, but it hinders me from doing things I would like to do. HOWEVER, this gives me the opportunity to do things inside such as:
1. Watch the 6 hours of Pride & Prejudice I just got.
2. Read Just Jane, the book I am currently reading... it's a good one... every girl should read it.
3. Paint on Chelsea's picture.
4. Paint my own creation that I've concocted in my head on the drive up here.
5. Play Skipbo several times.
6. Play with my going deaf, going blind, yet still cute little Fibi.
7. Sleep until my heart's desire.
All of those options sound wonderful... maybe I will multi-task and combine some. How many options do I have? I think that in 7th grade, we had problems like this... 7!, right? 7*6*5*4*3*2*1... that would be... 5,040 options today with just those 7 listed activity choices. Now, I know there are many more activities I could do, but I don't have time to think of them and and then calculate them.
My mood: COMPLETELY EXCITED
My mind: Racing
My body: Alright
My heart: Full of love
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Maybe I'm just tired.
Maybe I'm just hurt.
Maybe I'm both...
Either way, I have not been myself at all this whole semester. This may be more out-spoken than I should be, but why do I have to go through this? I know that I can't demand that God give me what I want, but my heart hurts, and all I ask is that it go away. I want to be happy... and not just be happy with part of my life, but to be happy with it as a whole.
If I'm honest with myself, I'm not. Sure I have so much in my life, but there's still just one wound that won't seem to heal. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to find true happiness. I'm sick of the nights like this where I can't sleep, and I am caused to think of hurtful thoughts.
I seem to have a harder time, and I just don't know why. Why do I feel like this? Why did I let myself open up more, when I knew I shouldn't have... It's my own fault... Things are so confusing right now, and my emotions aren't my best friend. This sort of honesty I have is something that is extremely hard for me to talk about. I like to think I have it all together, and I make every effort to show that to others.
Truth is, I don't. I fail more than I succeed. I cry more than I smile. I'm rude more than I am nice. I just need some help...
Maybe I'm just hurt.
Maybe I'm both...
Either way, I have not been myself at all this whole semester. This may be more out-spoken than I should be, but why do I have to go through this? I know that I can't demand that God give me what I want, but my heart hurts, and all I ask is that it go away. I want to be happy... and not just be happy with part of my life, but to be happy with it as a whole.
If I'm honest with myself, I'm not. Sure I have so much in my life, but there's still just one wound that won't seem to heal. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to find true happiness. I'm sick of the nights like this where I can't sleep, and I am caused to think of hurtful thoughts.
I seem to have a harder time, and I just don't know why. Why do I feel like this? Why did I let myself open up more, when I knew I shouldn't have... It's my own fault... Things are so confusing right now, and my emotions aren't my best friend. This sort of honesty I have is something that is extremely hard for me to talk about. I like to think I have it all together, and I make every effort to show that to others.
Truth is, I don't. I fail more than I succeed. I cry more than I smile. I'm rude more than I am nice. I just need some help...
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Giving It Away
Here I am.
All of me.
I am yours.
You have my heart.
Please guide it and shape it.
Protect me from harm.
Carry me through the hurt.
Fill my valleys with your perfect and undeserved grace.
Heal me and make me complete.
I love you more than anything this world can give me.
To you alone, I give my everything... So that I may be made whole.
Please examine me.
Examine ever fiber of my being.
Cleanse me of any impurities.
Guide me in your perfect and wonderful way.
Nothing will take my heart away from you.
I am so in love with you.
All of me.
I am yours.
You have my heart.
Please guide it and shape it.
Protect me from harm.
Carry me through the hurt.
Fill my valleys with your perfect and undeserved grace.
Heal me and make me complete.
I love you more than anything this world can give me.
To you alone, I give my everything... So that I may be made whole.
Please examine me.
Examine ever fiber of my being.
Cleanse me of any impurities.
Guide me in your perfect and wonderful way.
Nothing will take my heart away from you.
I am so in love with you.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Cry In My Heart
There's a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper
Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart,
Could I go there with You?
(For I've been here before
But I know there's still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You)
For what do I have
If I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There's a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper
Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart,
Could I go there with You?
(For I've been here before
But I know there's still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You)
For what do I have
If I don't have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head
Doesn't this song just seems to say it all? I can't seem to tell God enough just how much I need Him. I am nothing without him. I really have no more to say... this just says everything I can't say on my own.
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